Yearning Burning Deep in My Heart (9/09)

Today I received an email from a gentleman I was in contact with several months ago from New England. We had corresponded briefly, and had one or two telephone calls outlining a potential relationship he desired and I had only dreamed of. His terms were absolute, yet so intriguing. He wanted a sub that he could mold and teach to his specification, taking her on a journey into the unknown – an abyss, if you will – of pleasure, anticipation and submission, with a diet to stimulate every sense known to man – or, in my case, woman.

What he related to me thrilled me far beyond any expectation I have ever encountered in life, and the lifestyle he proposed would be quite comfortable, safe, spontaneous and cozy; just like I want. However, while talking with him, I had never felt more inadequate, inexperienced and unworthy of anything or anyone in my life. Now, coming from a long-time diva who is confident and sure of herself – full of herself too from time to time – this was an extremely difficult situation to deal with. No one had ever turned me upside down like that, causing me to question my complete existence. But, he did.

For a woman like myself, pay dirt would be the best possible words to describe my coming in contact with this man, who by the way, is a quietly elegant silver fox. I say pay dirt, because the situation he seeks, and was considering at the time (with me) would have been divine, had it not been for my lifestyle and conditions at home – I take care of two older relatives, and my life at this time, is really not my own. He simply asked me to turn it over to him, and let him guide me … which, if anyone has ever read my works, my letters, or heard my pleas — they know this is ME; this is what I have sought forever – a man who will take me under his wings, and lead …

So, why did this scare me so? The one person to come along to offer me what I’ve desired, and I had trepidation, concerns and fears – along with exhilarating excitement, arousal and anticipation. I wanted it more than anything; he was my prize.

I also had fears of not living up to his expectations; and then what? Where would I be? On the streets; cowering in the darkened corners of my heart with my tail between my legs?

He was even willing to come to me, if I was not able to relocate to him … but, I wasn’t ready. But, If Not Now, When? Why was this such an issue?

I remember emailing him and telling him I did not think I was ready for such a commitment. I wished him well, and never heard from him again.

Until today. He emailed me, and posted the same scenario – only, I’m not so sure he realized it was me he was contacting. I sent a note to the handsome devil, and reminded him of our former conversations and my fears — that I still have, by the way. Now, I wait. Oh, damn!

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